Random Musing: You're getting old?

You know how 60 is the new 40? Well, I think 27 is the new 50 because everyday something happens aging me like a fine wine... and by "fine" I mean "boxed". I was writing an email to a buddy and I chose a standard American male closing- I made an off handed comment about sleeping with his "momma". Now, I'm cool with this guy but not "BFF's", so I've never met his family, which led to me wondering what if this guys mom is dead or in a coma?

That's it! That's when it hit me. I'm starting to get so old I can't even make "momma" jokes for fear that they have some terminal disease if they're even alive at all. There are few things American men can enjoy and "sleeping with people's momma's" is one of them.

I'm taking a stand. I refuse to grow up, even at the expense of offending you and your dad. As a matter of fact: this is what I want on my tombstone:

"Don't worry, I'll tell your momma you said 'HI'!"

Awesome Cover

This is Laura Lea, and her cover band rocks. I heard her play at a bar called Starboard in Dewey Beach. Her voice was awesome, she could sing anything from Metallica to Taylor Swift to Rage Against the Machine (my request) and rocked everyone's face off.

On a side note- I always made fun of chicks who sweat the guitarists of bands that are "adequate-looking: at best, but after seeing Laura Lea live I'm not going to bring that up again. I met her in person next to some beer pong tables at the bar. That's when I requested Sleep Now in the Fire, which she couldn't do because it was "too hard core" but we settled on Bulls on Parade. She was cute up close but on stage, she gets a rank upgrade to bad. Anyway, they sometimes venture into Jersey and if there's any chance you can catch them, make the effort.

Twitter

Hey gang... I'm trying to get into Twitter which I think works well for my ADD and my followers (which from their blogs and their comments, I'm pretty sure also have severe ADD). So with that said follow me! brymartinez

American Gangster

Holy shit. I'm in Puerto Rico watching American Ganster... All I'm going to say is "how do you take a movie with Denzel Washington and Russel Crowe and literally defecate all over the screen." This is the biggest piece of shit ever...

Somehow Frank Lucas (Denzel) gives up a 1 billion dollar business and still gets 70 years. Meanwhile, Leo DiCaprio in "Catch me if you can" ropes everyone and gets fucking job with the IRS. I get racism... but this takes it to another level... lol, I'm going off on this tomorrow... maybe

PR Trip

I don't have any pics to post yet but there have been some funny ass stories to share so far. I just got back from Old San Juan looking at the old forts. It was a full moon and so bright that it almost looked like day time. I couldn't spend a lot of time out there because it was 1 in the morning and my aunt was sure I'd get mugged or killed- I'm just trying to get raped... by a chick. I'll be back tomorrow. I'll try to post some of my thoughts as the trip goes.

P.S. Somehow Spanish people know if you speak Spanish or not just by looking at you. I know I don't look Spanish, but come on, neither does my mom but the waiters and bartenders know and will open up with Spanish to her and in broken English ask me if I'd like a diet Coke. Ummmm, do I look like I need to be on a diet?! Just kidding, female moment there.

Politics

Here's what I think about Politics:



Failed Firework Nutshot Explosion - Watch more Funny Videos

I'm not writing MJ's obituary

I'm sure we'll all remember where we were when we found out Michael Jackson died. We'll remember Thriller and ABC 123. Even younger people will remember when he came out on stage for the MTV Movie Awards with N'Sync in 2001. But what I'll remember the most is that time Michael Jackson molested all those little boys. All day today on Hot 97 they're playing MJ songs. While we're at it, let's all "become fans" of Meagan's Law on Facebook?! When OJ dies is ESPN going to run "OJ's greatest runs of all time" (I will not insult you with a cheap White Bronco joke). Just kidding, I am.

"Even in death, we need to keep it real"
-Jesus Christ
Proverbs 7:24

Sex? Yes please

A couple is having a playful fight when the wife says something to the effect of "Oh yea? Then you can explain to your friends that you're a cranky son-of-a-bitch because you haven't had sex in 6 months."

First thing about a woman saying this line- it's bullshit. I don't know any woman who can go 6 months without sex when sex is made readily available. But I digress...

My only question is to her threat is "do blowjobs count?" Crude? Maybe a little but important nonetheless. Let me ask you a question. For $1 million bucks would you stay on a deserted island with no real food to eat but a tasteless magical pill (this pill contains all nutrients necessary for survival) for 6 months? Now you see where I'm going with my question. Now, what if instead of just this magical pill you got warm, fresh baked bread every day? ed note: Not all BJ's are created equal- I've gotten some that are more day old English Muffins than Lenders Bagels, if you now what I'm saying.

In conclusion, don't try to really get an answer when asking this question- there is no way a woman who is refusing to sleep with you is going to hook you up with some good fellatio in it's stead... at least not after college. I'm just serious.

Pissed off Eminem

Yes, I am getting too old to be watching the MTV movie awards but please tell me you saw Bruno "69ing" Eminem. He was fucking furious! This is the second time MTV has pissed off Eminem.

The first time was with Triumph.

I don't know if this is planned but if it wasn't, M is definately done with MTV. Here's the link if you want to see for yourself.

Bill Simmons

Those who are familiar with Bill Simmons (the Sports Guy) on ESPN need to start. One of the best writers in America.

Q: In one of your playoff columns, you ended a sentence with the phrase, "especially given this economy." This is becoming an awkward conversation-filler in society these days. I think at this point it can be used in any conversation, to end any sentence. Example …

Friend: "I can't believe you hooked up with that awful-looking girl last night."

You: "It was just one of those nights, especially given this economy."

The possibilities are endless, right?
-- Gary, Tampa, Fla.

I'm using this line all day today at Citi Field... as innapropriately as possible.